· “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes

· “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”– Albert Einstein

· “Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?”– Benny Hill

· “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”– Bob Hope

· “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”– Charles M. Schulz

· “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”– Christopher Morley

· “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.”– Clarence Darrow

· “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”– Conan O’Brien

· “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’”– Conan O’Brien

· “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”– Emo Philips

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