How To Control Anger

We now have road rage, workplace fury, and even aircraft rage. Previously, the word “rage” was only used to describe odd, out-of-control people. On TV discussion shows, aggressive outbursts are frequent. Public shootings have evolved into a common news story.

Adults who struggle to control their emotions often teach their kids that using violence to resolve disputes is a legitimate strategy. Men who have watched their parents’ domestic violence are three times more likely to abuse their own spouses than men whose parents did not engage in such behavior, with the sons of the most aggressive parents 1000 times more likely to engage in such behavior.

So why do we as a culture educate, model, and encourage damaging, inappropriate, and unrealistic anger expressions? Because we are afraid of and uneasy with our own power, we are intrigued by rage and violence. We attempt to be kind, to pretend that we are not angry people, and we brutally criticize those who are.

When our anger suddenly comes bursting out, we are shocked and appalled. We have been keeping our wrath hidden in the deepest, most humiliating corners of our brains and hearts. But a key tenet of psychology is that anything we reject, cut off from, or otherwise suppress in our psyche grows stronger than it truly is, ultimately forcing us to acknowledge its existence by bursting through in an exaggerated, distorted, or impulsive way.

If there is a resolution to the problem of rage and violence, then it is for each of us to acknowledge, accept, and own our own power, our own capacity for anger and even violence, and to come to grips with that energy.

Anger is a normal, adaptive reaction to dangers; it elicits strong, frequently violent sentiments and behaviors that provide us the ability to fight and protect ourselves in the event of an assault. Thus, a certain degree of rage is essential for our survival. But we certainly can’t react violently to every person or thing that upsets or frustrates us. The best method to deal with rage is to express it in a confident way that isn’t confrontational.