How Unresolved Trauma in Adults Affects Relationships

The term “trauma” is used by doctors to describe significant harm to the physical body caused by a quick impact, such as an accident or a violent act. But, emotional trauma may produce equally devastating harm to your sense of self as a whole, cohesive entity. Emotional injuries, like physical wounds, need care and attention in order for you to recover.

When this trauma is not healed and your perception of yourself is one of not being whole—of being damaged in some way—you are more likely to carry these imprints to your relationships. To have good relationships, you must first have a healthy sense of who you are and where you fit in the world.

The Impact on Relationships

Living with unresolved problems and bringing all the resulting behaviors to relationships is not conducive to healthy, happy physical or mental intimacy. When the trauma remains unresolved, there will likely be continuous triggers that cause an emotional response, such as triggers on the part of others that unintentionally act as cues or reminders of the original trauma. This can lead to feelings of abandonment, feeling powerless and rejection, and inability to effectively express and preserve one’s worth in relationships. Unresolved trauma is like a filter that can attack your relationship without intention.

Addressing Unresolved Issues

You are not alone if you have unresolved trauma. Here are some strategies to start addressing and healing the trauma and changing its impact on your life and relationships:

Understand trauma and its consequences. Read literature on trauma recovery. Then, see a therapist to determine which habits in your life may be connected to an early traumatic incident, and whether or not you recall the facts of the event.

Tell us about your experience. In a diary, write about your previous and present experiences. Instead, invite a trusted friend or counselor to listen and bear witness as you describe what occurred. By narrating your story, you may uncover connections between what is occurring today and what you carry with you from the past.

Improve witness awareness. Begin to notice all the ideas and sensations from the observer’s perspective. Begin to notice when “this isn’t that” in your interactions. For example, a spouse arriving home late from work is sometimes just that. Take note of when you are triggered and all of the “self-talk” that comes with it.