Why Do We Harm Someone We Love?

We always end up hurting the one we love. They both genuinely care about each other and want to stay together, but despite this, they continue to hurt each other by being abusive verbally, rejecting each other physically, taking each other for granted, betraying emotional trust, or broaching their partner’s delicate subjects from the past. Because this happens so frequently, Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher made it the subject of their famous song “You Always Hurt the One You Love” in 1944. The song’s odd last line reads, “So if I shattered your heart last night, it’s because I love you most of all.” Huh? It’s obvious it isn’t love.

Why do we do this? Several things can cause us to harm someone we love:

1) Unconscious reenactment of emotional trauma – As children, we all go through emotional trauma and suffering to varying degrees. Unfortunately, anything we go through—whether it’s love, separation, drama, or verbal or physical abuse—becomes a part of who we are. As adults, we could act inadvertently to cause our partner to experience such sensations because we believe that doing so will make us feel the most alive or like ourselves.

For instance, someone who had a lot of distance growing up can find proximity unpleasant and undermine it by initiating conflicts or avoiding contact. Another possibility is that someone who grew up in a turbulent, dramatic family would find peace and quiet unpleasant and would always seem to bring turmoil or drama into their interactions.

2) We don’t know how to modify our behaviors or know how to express our emotions in a healthy way. Many individuals may be aware of how they harm their partners and feel the desire to do so, but they simply lack the knowledge and skills necessary to do so.

3) To learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, sincerely, and entirely, we hurt the people we love. Additionally, when we take care of our own needs and heal ourselves, we eventually provide a safe space for our partners to do the same and experience the deeper Oneness and enchantment that only love can bring into our lives.

Also Read: What To Do If You Notice These 5 Relationship Rejection Signs?